hey, maybe you’re infertile pt. 2

Full disclosure: I must apologize for taking so long to write this second part to the original post. Life was happening. Thanksgiving happened and other family events and it basically zapped all of my energy. Plus writing this post was going to take a lot of my emotional energy, anyway, and I just wasn’t ready for it. Thanks for being patient and bearing with me!

In hey, maybe you’re infertile (pt. 1), I left off with my healthcare provider informing me via email that I had an ultrasound that was diagnostically consistent with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), and that it may be difficult to become pregnant. 

I had been on the fence about having a biological child for some time. However, once I received that email, having a biological child seemed to be the only thing I wanted! It was a crushing blow. I remember getting the notification in my email that I had a new message from my provider and then reading that message on each of my test results from my visit over and over again, hoping it would make more sense.

I had spent basically my entire adult life avoiding becoming pregnant by taking birth control, and this whole time it was probably a lot less likely to have happened and basically, I would have been lucky if it had happened!

Still, at this time, I did not think that the situation was entirely dire. I would take these ovulation-inducing pills, side effects and all, and hopefully become pregnant.

My doctor had told me that if I didn’t get my period on my own within the next couple of weeks, we would induce it will pills. Luckily, I got my period the following week. Approximately 60 days after my last period.

And then, after one cycle of Clomid (with virtually no side effects) in April 2017, just like that, I got a positive pregnancy test. I’ll be completely honest and say that I don’t 100% remember all of the circumstances surrounding the test itself. I do remember calling my doctor frustrated days before my missed period because I was getting all of my same pre-menstrual symptoms, but to the extreme, and I wondered if it was normal. And it turns out the extreme symptoms were just implantation and my body’s reaction to early pregnancy!

We were so, so ecstatic. Shortly after the positive pregnancy test, my husband thought we should go search for a new bed. Our bed at the time was not comfortable, and with all of my recurrent sleep issues, he wanted to make sure that I was able to be comfortable. We went to a local store and I remember us next to each other, testing out mattresses, determining what the appropriate level of firmness would be.

I couldn’t believe that we were buying a new bed for me to be a comfortable pregnant person. We decided on a bed and ordered it. I thought about how wonderful it would be to share a bed with my husband and be as comfortable as possible for the duration of my pregnancy.

We told the salesman why we were buying a new bed, and he was congratulatory. He was one of the first and only people outside of our closest friends to know about the pregnancy.

I felt so lucky that I had someone who wanted to take care of me and their future child in that way. It was scary and exciting and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

But by the time the bed was delivered, I had already miscarried.

Read more next time.


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